By Becky Krinsky, Recetas Para La Vida
Many disappointments stem not only from something that happened, but from what we expected to get from it—from others, from our own decisions, and even from life itself.
There are contracts that are never spoken of or written down, yet we live as though they had been signed.
No one promised us these things, yet we often turn our desires and expectations into imaginary agreements with others, with ourselves, and with life. We tell ourselves, for instance: If I’m a good person, life will be good to me; if I’m always there for others, they’ll be there for me; if I work harder than everyone else, I’ll eventually be recognized; if I make this sacrifice, it will be worth it; if I make the right decision, things will turn out well.
The problem arises when it comes time to collect. “After all the work I put in…” we tend to say, “after everything I sacrificed…”
Behind many of these phrases lies an invisible ledger: I worked; I cared for others; I studied; I made concessions; I did the right thing; therefore, something should come back to me.
When that doesn’t happen, we feel more than just disappointment. We may also feel a sense of injustice, as if someone had broken an agreement. But who accepted those terms?
When an Expectation Becomes a Debt
Having expectations isn’t the problem. Expecting reciprocity, wanting our efforts to bear fruit, wanting recognition, or trusting that a good decision will lead to something better—it’s completely natural. The problem begins when we turn our decisions into contracts and expect others—or life itself—to honor terms they never agreed to.
A genuine promise creates a responsibility. A mutual commitment must be honored. Yet many of the “accounts” that breed the most resentment were never even discussed. Perhaps that is why it’s worth asking ourselves: Am I doing this because I truly choose to, or because I expect something in return?
Sometimes we give love expecting recognition; we help expecting loyalty; we work expecting success; we sacrifice expecting gratitude. We may even believe that doing the right thing should shield us from misfortune. Without realizing it, we turn our actions into emotional investments and expect a return.
Loving can be a choice. So can helping. Working, putting in effort, and doing the right thing can be choices too—not because there is a guaranteed reward, but because those decisions reflect the way we choose to live.
Perhaps the most important question is, if there were no guaranteed reward, would you still choose to do what you do? The answer can reveal how much of what you do stems from genuine choice and how much belongs to a contract that existed only in your mind.
This November, we celebrate Thanksgiving—a time to give thanks for everything we have without expecting anything in return.
