Shame, Fear, Loneliness: Trapped in the Domestic Violence Cycle

By Melanie Slone

Four years ago, Paula was sleeping in her car at the Jewish Family Center (JFC) safe parking lot. Today, she works for JFC, helping others.

Her story begins with eight attempts to get out of an abusive relationship. Paula, who asked us not to use her last name, finally left her abuser to protect her month-old son. 

“Something in me clicked,” says Paula. “I realized I did not want this life for my son. Weapons were involved. It took that much for me to say, enough. It’s not my life anymore. It’s my son’s life.”

Paula says it’s difficult for others to understand why women stay in abusive relationships for so long. “It’s easy for someone to say, you can leave,” she tells us. But “it’s that fear, that shame.”

Her abuser alienated her from her family and friends and promised to change. “They talk to you sweet. They apologize. It’s the honeymoon phase,” she says. “They change, max, two or three weeks, it’s wonderful, and then, boom, you go back to it.”

Paula felt her abuser was the only person in her life. “You feel like you don’t have nobody around. So, you hold onto this only person that you know of. You believe he’s there for you.”

Paula was 27 when she left him. “It will take time for someone trying to leave,” she says. She was scared but turned to her faith and told herself she was strong, relying on a good deal of counseling to talk about her feelings, as well as food stamps and other services to get back on her feet.

She tells others, “There will be a point that they will feel lonely when they leave their abuser,” but there is hope. She has been in a healthy relationship for the past three years.

“If I did it, I know someone out there will, too. No matter how many times you try, always keep on trying,” says Paula. “It took me 8 times until I said enough. So, there’s hope. There is a life after that. I’m an example of it.”

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